September 21, 2010

First, Let's Kill All the Carnivores

"But if suffering is bad for animals when we cause it, it is also bad for them when other animals cause it," argues Rutgers philosophy professor Jeff McMahan in a recent New York Times opinion piece, "The Meat Eaters."

In other words, for the lion truly to lie down with the lamb, as Isaiah prophesied, we have to kill the lion. I say "we have to," because the lions are not going to do it themselves voluntarily.

Only then will we have a truly moral world.

Bang bang. No more lions.

"I am therefore inclined to embrace the heretical conclusion that we have reason to desire the extinction of all carnivorous species," the professional ethicist writes.

 Once rid of wolves and weasels, however, Professor McMahan's work is not done.

Got to hurry the seals and orcas to extinction. Bang. And all the toothed whales. Kaboom!

After the mammals, the birds are next. No more eagles, hawks, owls, shrikes. Rat-tat-tat-tat. Bang bang. Same with the carrion-eaters. No carrion, no vultures, condors, ravens, and other species who might upset the desired moral equilibrium.

And then the bugs. Ladybugs—kill them all. Praying mantises. Predatory wasps. Spritz 'em.

So now we have a world of (compulsorily) vegan humans, rats, cockroaches, and crows.

But wait. Are white blood cells carnivores? They eat the bacteria, right? They're not a "species," but they are still eating living organisms.

Kill everything! Ah, what purity. What a clear understanding and acceptance of the natural world.

What cruelty in the name of ethics!


Matt Mullenix said...

But you're not done just by taking out the animals, Chas. There's still the suffering of the corn wrought by the rust. The suffering of the corn, man!

Holly Heyser said...

Is it just my imagination or does this guy bear more than a passing resemblance to Ted Kaczinski?

I say give him his own planet and let him go for it. It'd be more amusing than sea monkeys.

jason said...

If he's so against cruelty, why does his writing inspire me to punch him in the face?

Camera Trap Codger said...

Obviously, the absent-minded professor has never seen the gaunt, scrofulous, sore-covered, parasite- shedding creature that hasn't been spared suffering by a hungry predator. The guy is already living in LaLaLand.

Anonymous said...

Could the good professor please start by offing himself?

Galen Geer said...

Now, now Jason. No violence please. It offends my kind nature. heh heh heh