March 15, 2008

New Mexico Barbie

No, I don't know who started it, but friends in Taos sent it.

Santa Fe Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold in Santa Fe. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a longhaired foreign dog named Wolf and an authentic adobe house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.

Northeast Heights [Albuquerque] Barbie: This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

Española Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy Low Rider with dark tinted windows and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash. Preferably small untraceable bills. Unless you're a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about. Hair spray and fake fingernail kit available.

Sandia Heights [Albuquerque] Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

Clovis Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Canyon Road [Santa Fe] Barbie: This collagen-injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print ski outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends on Canyon Road. Percocet prescription available.

Valencia County Barbie: This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gutted Ken out of Belén Barbie's trailer. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter top. Also available with a mobile home.

Taos Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want or need a Ken doll, but you if purchase two Taos Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

Nob Hill [Albuquerque] Barbie: This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Raton Barbie: She's perfect in every way. We don't know who Ken is 'cause he's always hunting.

Hobbs Barbie: This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three baby Barbies in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a Meat Packers uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green Cards are not available for Barbie or Ken.

Trinidad [Colorado] Barbie/Ken: This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple "snap-on" parts.

Rio Rancho Barbie: She is a software engineer with great social skills. Comes with a laptop and cell phone. She can juggle late night phone calls and supervising not-quite adult children. Grandchildren at no additional cost. Optional Barbie neck brace available.


Jamison Parker said...

There a collection like this for a bunch of different states. And yes, they recycle phrases...

Chas S. Clifton said...

And so they do. I wonder which came first. Barbie is just such a wonderful cultural template.

Steve Bodio said...

But this SO New Mexico...

Ought to ask Labrat and Stingray at Atomic Nerds about Los Alamos Barbie-- though I doubt a female evo- biologist with good tattoos would be typical.

Anonymous said...

I did my damndest to come up with Los Alamos Barbie, but in a town where the only thing most folks have in common is higher education and raging eccentricity, I was forced to give up.

The only thing I could come up with is that Los Alamos Barbie comes packaged inside the Laboratory accessory, and if you ever want to play with her you'll need power tools to remove her.

Chas S. Clifton said...

Let's see ... does she come with a PhD from Stanford, a Volvo (?) station wagon, and a 12-foot shelf of SF novels?

Ken cannot be shown, because he is in mourning for Gary Gygax.

Anonymous said...

Los Alamos Barbie's hair appears to have been styled and maintained by the dog groomer. She comes with an assortment of textbooks, and one Esoteric Hobby Kit ranging from stargazing to shark diving. Los Alamos Barbie has three choices of car, either a Subaru, Volvo or Saab. None of these choices will go as fast as any other Barbie's car, as Los Alamos Barbie cannot find the gas pedal with both feet, a map, a team of sherpas, and a "Best of Riverdance" video. Unique among Barbies, Los Alamos Barbie often comes with the optional child accessory, availible in either the Nervous Wreck Overachiever, or the Chronically Unenthused Slacker variants. Los Alamos Ken looks suspiciously like Taos Ken with his birkenstocks, hiking shorts, and extremely silly hat, but is distinguishable by the addition of socks to the sandals and by wearing a dress shirt in some state of dishevelment rather than a tie-dye tshirt. Those mistaking Los Alamos Ken for Taos Ken frequently find themselves on the receiveing end of a three hour "discussion" on the non-linear equations governing meteorology, string theory, self-balancing binary tree algorithms, and of course nuclear energy no matter what his actual field is.

Chas S. Clifton said...

OK, you got it.

*exit singing*

Quantum foam,
Take me home ....

Anonymous said...

You just had to go and poke my weird button, didn't you?

mdmnm said...

Way too funny, particularly the Los Alamos addition. I think the Nob Hill edition is a bit behind the times, though. Lots of hipsters and yuppies around there now.

Anonymous said...

RANCHO SANTA FE BARBIE - She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired Afghan dog named Honey, and a multi-million-dollar home. Available with or without tummy-tuck and face-lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

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